“You’re So Strong!” What Holding Space for My Kids Taught Me About Strength

“You’re so strong!”—I’ve been told this numerous times over the last several years as people I meet get to know me and learn about my life.

Emotional strength is an incredible quality to possess, and I’m grateful for the acknowledgement, but the truth is that strength didn’t show up at my doorstep when I was faced with challenging life circumstances.

The strength that people most acknowledge in my life is the strength they see as I live my life and raise my children since the passing of my husband. And it’s truly a quality that emerged as I honed the skill of holding space for my children in my early years as a single mother.

When my husband passed away, yes, I needed to make time and space for my grieving and healing—but more so, I felt it necessary to be able to hold space for my children to have their own grieving, and eventually, healing. So I created a ritual for myself: I would do whatever I needed to do for myself while they were at school—exercise, eat, nap, cry, shower, therapy, zone out to Netflix… whatever it was that I happened to need on that particular day—and then, when they got home, I would make sure I had the capacity to be in “mom mode.”

This ritual forced me to be intentional about how I spent my time and energy, in order to have more of both for what was most important to me—my kids. To me, that was the best I could do at the time to help my kids process their grief and move toward healing.

I couldn’t change the circumstances of our lives. I wasn’t their therapist. I wasn’t their spiritual leader. I definitely wasn’t their dad. And I didn’t have all the answers—actually, I barely had any answers!

But I am their mom and I knew I wanted to have the space and energy to fully be their mom, regardless of any life circumstances. So I developed this skill of holding space for others, no matter where I was holding myself.

I wasn’t being fake or inauthentic. I never denied my grief, sadness, or even happiness. But holding space for my kids pushed me to go beyond myself—to show them that life really does go on beyond our current emotions. It allowed me to be their mom without having to “fix” anything. And for myself, it created a system in my life—an operating system, if you will—to fully love and nourish myself as I needed, and to be able to do the same for others. This life system became the foundation for the externally recognized quality of strength. This was where I truly learned to hold space for my clients as a Professional Coach.

So how do you create a life system that supports you?

Consider it like the operating system of a computer. As ChatGPT will tell you, “an operating system is the main software that manages a computer’s hardware and software resources…making it easier to run programs and perform tasks.”

So imagine: a life system creates the baseline for your life—encompassing your values and defining your boundaries—so that you can function optimally while allowing what’s most important to you to flourish and thrive. Life systems are not context-dependent; they are present in all areas of our lives and under all circumstances, yet they can be modified or upgraded as needed. To this day, my life system of creating time and space for what’s most important to me—namely, my relationships with my children—still exists and has expanded to influence all relationships in my life.

Strength is not a quality you either have or don’t have. And it doesn’t automatically show up at your door when you desperately need it. Characteristics like strength emerge only when you intentionally create systems for your life—and consistently pursue habits that support those systems.

Within my life circumstances, I created a system of intentionally organizing my day—one that allowed me to hold space for myself and my kids—which, in turn, developed the strength you see today. And yes, that strength eventually permeated all areas of my life, becoming a quality I embodied and continue to cultivate.

Photo: D. Bana Photography