Finding Freedom in the Space Between
As part of the many avenues of self-help and personal growth I've explored over the years, I found myself drawn to Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning.
To be completely transparent, I wasn’t searching for wisdom or a profound answer to the meaning of life—I was searching for meaning in my life. I was desperately hoping that the words of a Holocaust survivor would help me make sense of my personal challenges and loss.
I wanted to leave behind the pain of grieving and be “healed”. I wanted to feel whole again.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the truth behind healing: that it is a choice and requires discipline. And Frankl's words added another essential layer of understanding—not only of the path of healing, but of true freedom.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
He made it sound so simple—choose your response, and you'll experience growth and freedom. A simple sentence, easy enough to understand. But when I tried to apply this mindset to my life, I hit a wall. Over and over again!
At first, I was adamant about proving my power through my responses. I thought, "If I do what I want, say what I feel, and act on my desires, then that's power, and thus, growth and freedom—right?!" Maybe this approach would have worked if:
a) I wasn't trying to prove something, and
b) I was actually offering responses.
Let me clarify a crucial distinction that often comes up with my clients: the distinction between a reaction and a response.
A reaction is often immediate, usually defensive, and fueled by fear, insecurity, and/or pain.
A response, by contrast, is intentional. It is aligned with core values and beliefs and arises after you've allowed space to reflect. A response is grounded, thoughtful, and empowering.
I had been reacting from a place of fear and lack—fear of facing new life circumstances I never asked for, and a lack of self-love and compassion. This was neither powerful nor growth-oriented. I was reacting in an effort to grab at healing, growth, and freedom, and in doing so, I was pushing them all further away.
So how do we actually apply this mindset to work in our lives? Allow me to break it down and focus on the following components:
1. “Between stimulus and response there is a space.”
Space is everything. There must be space between the stimulus (event, challenge, difficulty, question, etc.) and the response. Without this space, there cannot be a response, only a reaction.
The space, no matter how small—a few moments, a breath, a pause in the conversation, waiting to hit send on that message, or a walk around the block—is where awareness is born. This space allows time to absorb the situation, process it, and assess how it aligns with your values and identity.
This space allows for clarity. Then comes the response.
2. “In that space is our power to choose our response.”
Power comes from taking the time to go through the process of choosing the response. The power is not in the decision itself—not "I want it and I'm going to have it!"
Power is in the process—dwelling in the space to assess the situation and formulate a response. Power shines through when a response is in authentic alignment with a person's values and identity.
3. “In our response lies our growth and freedom.”
Growth and freedom come as a result of tapping into core values and responding to life's challenges accordingly.
This freedom—this ability to choose your response—is what Frankl deemed the truest freedom that can never be taken away from you, even in the depths of the horrors of a concentration camp. True freedom doesn't come through force, control, or manipulation, but from awareness and alignment.
Understanding these distinctions allowed me to embrace the power of space.
I stopped trying to forcefully push past healing while unsuccessfully grabbing at growth and freedom.
I learned to honor the space and to come to terms with all of my feelings and emotions.
I learned to own my power instead of trying to prove it.
And most importantly, embracing space allowed me to respond with clarity, authenticity, and compassion, rather than fear and desperation, no matter the circumstances.
But here’s the most beautiful part: when we respond with authenticity, growth becomes inevitable. Freedom inevitably follows.
Photo: D. Bana Photography
