“I’m Not Happy”—A Dirty Little Word Called ‘Should’
I often hear clients say the same four words at the start of our work together:
“I’m not happy.”
They come to me with seemingly full lives and all of the things—material extravagances, thriving and successful careers, meaningful relationships, a full social calendar—but they consistently claim that they're not happy. Despite having "everything," they still feel unfulfilled and unhappy.
When we dig deeper, the root of this widespread discontent becomes evident: it's a dirty little word called "should”.
I should be more accomplished in my career.
I should go to that event.
I should go to that school.
I should be a more present parent.
I should wear (fill in with whatever is currently trending).
I should have a better diet.
I should exercise.
I should be happy!
The list is exhausting and endless.
This one word—should—takes what we are so desperately seeking—joy and happiness—and replaces it with exactly what we are trying to avoid—guilt and suffering!
I am particular about the language used to describe life. I place so much emphasis on the power of this one word because our words create our realities. And unfortunately, when we "should" all over ourselves and our lives, we create a life of dejection, resentment, and unnecessary suffering.
"Should" is a judgment. And perhaps even more harmful, it's a self-judgment. Every "should" removes you from engaging and enjoying your present moment, and sets you up for failure against an external expectation. I'd go even a step further to say that the external expectations you're holding yourself to have nothing to do with your values, desires, or truth.
We live in a world of instant gratification, counterproductive busyness, and FOMO, which is all further fueled by picture-perfect social media accounts that constantly remind us of what we don't have and what we're not doing. In this constant state of not-enoughness, it's no wonder many people feel so dissatisfied.
So how do we stop "shoulding" all over ourselves?
When a client comes to me unhappy and burdened by “shoulds,” I offer a simple but powerful exercise:
Replace “should” with “want.”
I want to be more accomplished in my career.
I want to go to that event.
I want to go to that school.
I want to be a more present parent.
I want to wear (fill in with whatever is currently trending).
I want to have a better diet.
I want to exercise more.
I want to be happy!
This one change in language creates a massive shift in mindset. It reveals what you truly desire and what you're only doing because of pressure, conditioning, or fear. If the "want" statements still apply, then great—let's continue the coaching conversation to fulfill that desire. And if the want is not aligned with your core values and your authentic self, then it's time to say "bye-bye" and toss that "should" aside.
Part of my purpose as a professional coach is to challenge outdated or ineffective so-called norms—such as the statement "I should"—and to offer better alternatives to my clients to enhance and optimize their lives.
Next time you find yourself unhappy despite having everything you thought you wanted, check in with that list of “shoulds”. Determine if they're actual wants. When we can release the "shoulds" and identify our truly authentic desires, joy and happiness become a natural outcome of living aligned.
