Joy: We’re Here For It

Everyone wants it.

We talk about finding it, chasing it, pursuing it. We think joy is somewhere out there waiting to be discovered. We believe the right circumstances, the right relationship, the right achievement, will finally deliver it to our door.

We chase our goals and successes assuming joy will be part of the final results.

We struggle during difficult times hoping that joy will come back into our lives.

What I have come to understand about joy is that it's not something that drops magically in your lap when the perfect conditions occur.

Joy is something you allow.

This means that joy is accessible to each and every one of us no matter what the current state of our life is. Yes, that means joy is present even in those difficult times.

So if joy is always available to us, then why does it feel so elusive for so many of us so much of the time?

I am well aware that sometimes I am my own worst enemy. I allow self-judgment and rumination to wreak havoc on even my most positive achievements. I allow external validation to define my worthiness. And all of this collapses into an endless inner conversation about what should be, how it should be, and who I should be.

These shoulds are self-sabotage at its finest.

I should be further along by now.

I should have made a different decision.

I should be over this.

I should have so much more to show for my life.

Shoulds are silent, relentless, and extraordinarily effective at pulling you out of the present moment. They drag you backward into regret or forward into anxiety. And no matter which direction you follow, you are no longer here, in the present. You end up living a version of your life that either already passed or hasn’t even happened.

Shoulds are a trap. They feel like wisdom. They feel responsible, even noble. We feel like we’re holding ourselves accountable to some higher, universally accepted and revered standard. But shoulds are really nothing more than suffering dressed up as self-awareness.

When you should yourself, you are robbing yourself of the present by measuring it against an imagined version of your life that doesn't exist. And then you continue to punish yourself for falling short of this so-called "better" life.

This gap between where you are and where you think you should be is where suffering lives. And there simply is no room for joy in there.

Joy only lives in the present. Which means every moment spent in the land of shoulds is a moment joy cannot reach you. Instead, we unknowingly allow a quiet suffering to creep in, and our lives become filled with moments and days of not-enough, not-yet, and should-have-been.

The alternative to living a life of shoulds is surrender to and acceptance of the present moment. This does not mean giving up, settling, or resigning. There is a duality that is available to us: acceptance of the present moment, while at the same time desiring something different. Acceptance is not agreement, or liking what is happening right now. But acceptance removes the resistance—the constant fighting against what is—so that you can actually be open to what’s next.

And no matter what’s next, acceptance also allows joy to become visible. Not because circumstances have changed, but because being present allows for joy to shine through.

I agree that this may all sound a little woo-woo and abstract. But I can attest to it because I lived it.

In my darkest days, illness and uncertainty filled my world, shoulds were loud, and what-ifs were unbearable. I saw glimmers of joy when I was able to stop resisting and surrender to my current circumstances. This was not a denial of what was happening, but an allowance of it—space for it. Joy showed up in a smile, a phone call, a hug, sunshine, a thoughtful meal—all the little things that were not at all so little.

These were moments of pure joy. Not happiness, which is usually a response to circumstances. Joy is deeper. It exists within the circumstances and is available regardless of what’s happening on the surface.

If there is one thing I can say with confidence, it's that joy is not conditional. Joy doesn’t require your life to be a certain way. It only asks you to be fully in it. Right here, right now, unconditionally.

This surrender, acceptance, and allowance of joy is a practice. As with any other choice made in living a fulfilled and purposeful life, this practice is deliberate and intentional. It’s a choice made repeatedly to return to the present moment when the shoulds and what-ifs threaten to pull you away.

Some days the return is easy, and some days it requires a little more intention. But the willingness to keep coming back to the present moment is what opens the door for joy to enter.

Once I committed to this process, I noticed what was so powerful about joy. It wasn't something I needed to manufacture, force, or wait for the right circumstances to earn. Joy isn't scarce or rare. It's always here. It's in the so-called ordinary moments—in the morning sunlight, in a laughter-filled conversation, in that first sip of coffee, in the sounds of a busy house.

Joy was there all along. I only had to allow myself to see it.

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